Thursday, August 23, 2007

In A China Shop

I've had a little lesson in the fragility of life. I guess I've always known that life was fragile and that not one of us has any guarantee of a "long life." But...for some reason, I just always had that ever popular theory: "It will never happen to me." It sounds so cliche...but it is so true. I have been fortunate in my life that I have not really been surrounded by too much death. My 4 grandparents had passed by the time I was 10...so I barely remember them. Since then, I can really only think of a 4-5 significant people in my life who have passed away.

My experience on Tuesday with Kate has yanked me back to reality, and now after Kate's birth, health issues and then her "episode" on Tuesday...death just seems real to me. I don't want to live in a constant fear of Kate's life. I don't want that fear hanging over me every day of my life. I want to experience joy with Kate...not overriding worry.

But, right now...somehow, I have to really learn how to deal with this fear. For me...especially right now after living right in the midst of ICU life, my feelings seem to override reality. I know down in my heart the truths...but golly gee...the emotions and fears take over. I know that time heals...and the longer Kate stays healthy, the more distant those fears will become...but right now....IT HURTS. I cling to the fact that I know and have confidence that a glorious seat in heaven is awaiting us all....but right now...I want Seth and Kate in MY life. I know my kids are just on loan to me from their Eternal Father...but right now....I'm selfish. I know in my heart that Seth's life is just as fragile as Kate's....but I never lived with that fear on a daily basis the 1st 2 years of his life. Maybe I was naive...but I didn't...and right now...I'm scared I'm going to lose her...maybe not right now...but it just seems more real!

We will probably never have any definite answers as to how Kate's abnormal anatomy of her heart and arrhythmia issues will affect her life. We do know what to look for....we know some warning signs....but Kate is going to be a mystery....a life filled with "wait and see." And right now, that scares me.

Today was bit of a crying day for me. Nurse Jessica told me that was good...every mommy needs one of those. Yes, I am sad...Yes, I am scared...Yes, I am worried...Yes, I am anxious. Crying helps get some of those emotions out so that I can go on and deal with the reality....right now I'm not so sure how...but with God's great grace...I know I will. Do I really have any other choice?

So, now I must cling to God. I must give up control and totally put it in His hands. That is so hard for me. I can barely give up control of how to load a dishwasher, let alone control of my daughter's life. That right now, is what I seek from God. He was real to me in His timing on Tuesday...now I guess I have some new lessons to learn on control. I'm scared....scared to death...but somehow...I know those feelings will fade.

Thanks dear Blog readers for listening to me ramble...I guess it was good to write out some of my feelings. And, any of you who have any advice for me...bring it on.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Krista,
I know this is a difficult time for you and Andy. I have a note on my door as I go out daily that reads;
"Good Morning, This is God, I am in control today and I do not need your help, so relax and have a great day."
It is hard to let go and let God be in control, but he truly is there for us. I have marveled at your strength and trust in him over this past 1 plus years, in how you have dealt with Kate and her illness and how you are always positive about both the children and your life with them.
Your faith and love are a wonderful example of how we should all live our lives and trust and serve the Lord in whatever comes our way.
Thank you for the beautiful witness that you and Andy have been and continue to be.
It is ok to cry; tears help all of us get through the rough times. I cry watching a sad show or sometimes to the words of a book or song. It is normal and natural to shed a tear when we are sad or fearful. I think tears help us get through that situation a little easier.
God Bless and keep you, and I hope you and Kate have a restful night and a good day tomorrow. We will be praying for all of you.
Bonnie & Jerry

Anonymous said...

Krista,
Hey! I have noticed you are taking alot of pictures...that is a good thing. One thong that I have done with Timmy's hospital sick pictures was scrapbook them. It helped heal that time in my life with alot of journaling. Now it's a blessing to go back and look and thank God for healing Timmy. Pray you and Kate get a great nights sleep! Heartfully,
Jenny

Melissa said...

Krista, your post brings me to tears. Life is so fragile and you don't realize that more until you've spent some time in a PICU! Everytime I come home, I hug my kids. No one should have to live in fear for their kids lives. Your tears are good and healthy. Keeping everything inside doesn't help anyone, especially you. Never worry about showing emotion around the medical staff. We know how much you need to do that and we will support you in any way.

Anonymous said...

Krista,

My heart was breaking for you as I read your post. You are so right about the fragility of life and how God has revealed that so clearly to us all, through Kate.

As I am sitting here typing while Mya and Jayden eat their breakfast, Mya asks, "Mommy, why do you have that sad face?" I am fighting back the tears for you, while appreciating these beautiful children God has blessed us (and you) with.

I think of you every morning as I get Jayden up from bed and see the Serenity Prayer plaque that you gave him when he was born. It is so ironic that you had given that to us before Kate was here, what a wonderful reminder:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Such a basic little prayer, but so true. God is in control, and I know He is looking out for Kate.

Sending you all our love,

Gina & Ken

Janice said...

Krista,
I have been in prayer for you, Andy, Seth, and Kate for some time just getting information thru church bulletin and some friends. It wasn't until Gayle Givens came into my office and told me about your webpage (blog) and said she would send it to me, that I really became aware of your ordeal. I am so overwhelmed and my heart aches for you. So for now Krista.....you go ahead and be selfish. God will understand. Cry and hurt and be angry. You may know He is in control, still all those emotions are healthy ones. And it is thru all the aweful, most unpleasant circumstances that we learn only God can turn something so tragic into something so beautiful. I hear in your words that you have already experienced that. That little girl of yours has brought much joy to so many already.
Love to you always, Krista. And to your little Kate....your beautiful Seth...your wonderful Andy....your fantastic parents, brother, inlaws and all those medical personel.
Janice