Friday, September 7, 2007

How Long?

I've got this burning question just bombarding every aspect of my life? I'm in a constant wonder of "How Long?"

How long until we leave the hospital?
How long will I worry about Kate's breathing and eating habits?
How long until we get the next doctor's report?
How long until I see Seth?
How long will I cry myself to sleep at night?
How long will Kate's heart last?
How long until her heart gets better?
How long do we have with Kate?
How long do we wait to call the doctor next time she gets sick?
How long will she have to wear the oxygen?
How long until she crawls? walks? talks?
How long until another hospital stay?
How long shall I try and give Kate a bottle?
How long should I try and make her eat?
How long should I let her cry?
How long till her breathing rate slows down?
How long will I be in constant fear?
How long will I be sad?
How long till we will have a "normal" happy summer?
How long until another echocardiogram?
How long will I be scared?

I don't and probably won't have suitable answers to any of these questions...at least not answers that will satisfy my "need to know!" And as I think about it...do I really want to know the answers to these questions? Sometimes, I think YES...but then I get a reality check and realize answers won't change reality. Reality is what it is..and somehow I just have to learn to deal with it.

I got the sweetest email from another stranger who found our story....they are also battling life with a young child with congenital heart disease and have had several surgeries here at St. Vincent. I was encouraged by something she said:
There were times when I would just cry and tell my mom "I can't do it. I can't do it" and she would look at me and say "Jean, You ARE doing it." and that's what I would say to you...You ARE doing it. Whether you think you're making it through or not, you ARE.

So...I will continue to have lots of questions and I think I will always have an extra yearning of "how long" with Kate. She is just special in that way. But...I just have to do it...I have to go on with life and enjoy Kate for who and what she is. Andy and I were talking last night about the impact she has already had in her small life...and obviously, God has some big plans for this little girl since He has brought her through so much already.

Yeah, I think I still have a lot of crying left...a lot of worry left...a lot of questions..but isn't that what makes me a mommy?

Until then...I look toward some scripture to give me the comfort, peace, courage, guidance, hope, mercy, patience, and wisdom that I so desperately need right now.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:3

The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him . Nahum 1:7

Lord...help me to trust you!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't think of anything to really say.......except a cry out to God from the well known song: My God, my God, your beloved needs you now. Come and calm those fears.
Be near!
Oh and a miracle would be nice. So if you could see to that in your timing, it would be oh so much appreciated.
But always Lord......we praise you for all the glory you so deserve.
Amen

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine all of the "how longs" that you mull over every day. Please know that Dave lifted Kate up for prayer to the choir at St. Vincent's last night. Heaven must be flooded by all of the prayers for her. God bless!!

Nancy

Anonymous said...

Deut. 31:8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Krista and Andy,

As you "ARE doing it", I pray that you will know that the Lord is going both before you and with you.

I think I have shared this with Krista before, but, it was on my heart to share again:
I remember a moment I had in the NICU when Emily had tubes everywhere and her lungs would just not work properly - I heard God gently whisper to me,
"I give each person on earth every breath. Have faith that I will give each person just the number of breaths I have planned for them."
Somehow, to me that was a comfort. I knew that I didn't worry about my next breath, nor should I worry about Emily's next breath. (Of course, that was easier said than done, but, it gave me a new peace.) I tell you this just to encourage you that God is present, he will comfort you in your time of sorrow and He will give you the words of peace that you need.

God's Mercy, Grace and Blessings,
Carrie