Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It's Just Hard!

Well...today marked 2 weeks since Kate's death. In most ways...it's been a very very long 2 weeks. It's the 1st time I have actually been home (and not in the hospital) for 2 weeks straight since July...which also means it's the 1st time I've spent 2 weeks straight with Seth. In that way...I'm so glad to be home...but at the same time, it's hard being home...without Kate.

It's so hard to put into words how I'm feeling lately. Most of all I am just missing my little girl...missing the routine that went with her life...missing holding her...even missing the late night bonding/feeding sessions. We miss her when we give Seth a bath...thinking she should be there too! The playroom seems so empty without her toys. It's not right making dinner...and not having to get her food ready too! We just plain miss her!

And occasionally, I have feelings of loneliness. So much of Kate's life was spent in the hospital, at doctors or even with therapists...and often...people were here at the house helping with Seth. We've been surrounded by so many loving nurses and therapists and doctors for so long..they almost seem part of your life.. It just feels really weird to be home alone with just Seth...even weirder when I drop him off at school and have 2 1/2 hours completely to myself. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love being home with Seth...but it's just different right now...it just doesn't feel right.

It may seem strange...but one of the hardest things for me now is to be in a store and see the "baby aisle" I almost find myself wanting to go down it...but then reality hits that I don't need to....and that makes me sad.

We watched some home videos tonight of Kate around Easter time last year...she is just so dong-gong cute. She looked so good...and had so much energy. The hardest part was realizing how sick she has really been since July. I think we fooled ourselves sometimes in thinking that she really looked good and was doing better...when in reality...she was a really sick little girl. We haven't had "our Kate" since before her surgery in July. She tried hard...she was a fighter...she smiled through it all...but she didn't feel good, and looking back now...we can surely see that.

There's a part of me that still feels that maybe Kate is in the hospital somewhere...and someday she'll be home. I told Andy that it's hard to think she is gone forever...he said: not forever...just a very long time. Thank you Jesus for that hope!

So...new feelings that we have to adjust to. We know that time heals...and that it really hasn't been that long. We are just so grateful to have such a wonderful support system and each other and Seth and God to help us through each day. We're making it...it's just hard. ...and I think it's just harder right now as the dust has settled and life has moved on (which it has too...we have no choice in that matter...our princess would want it no other way!)

Love to all..thanks for listening!

And on a lighter note...what about this Indiana weather? Tonight the weather man said it was going to feel like a 60 degree change in temperature from today to tomorrow? That's crazy! Today it's like spring...tomorrow ice and snow and below zero windchill!


Anonymous said...

Dear Krista,
I love listening....and I'm crying with you. Love, Paralee

Kathy said...

I feel the same way Krista...
we'll listen with you and cry with you!!!

Just keep taking it one day at a time.

We're here for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Krista,
It is perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling and it is perfectly okay. Just take one day at a time. I am crying with you also and miss the updated pictures of Kate etc. She was so special. Andy is right that she is just gone for a long time but we will all see her again someday. Hang in there and we love you guys.
Sheri for us four

Melissa said...

My heart breaks for you as I can not imagine the heartache you feel. Please know that we are here for you for whatever you might need. We continue to pray and hope that each day gets a little bit easier. Lean on Andy, enjoy and love Seth, and trust in God knowing that you will be with Kate again, someday.

Anonymous said...

It feels like a severe case of being homesick and all of a sudden you realize you can never go back home.....then you try to make the best of your new place.

I understand!
Love, Cathy

Judy Davis said...

Dear Krista, What natural feelings! After it is a month, you will count that
and every month to come.
Holidays will be the hardest. But you will make it with God's love. Have you heard of Compassionate
Friends organization? I will be giving you some litature on that. They meet the first Tuesday of
each month. Hugs, Judy &

Anonymous said...


Every day, it'll get a little easier. Every day, you'll grow a little stronger. Every day, you'll cry a little less.

Every day, Kate will be in your heart. :)

So glad we caught up on the phone yesterday ... looking forward to our "Girl's Day" this spring!!

Love you,

Samantha said...

I am always here to listen. I will also cry right there with you.


Deanna said...

Hi dear one. Know that I'm praying for you today. I cannot begin to fathom the constant ache that you are feeling, but am trusting that our God DOES fill up the empty places and that healing does come as we seek Him. You can trust that you will not be forgotten and that dozens will continue to pray!

And.... darn that baby aisle.... while our situations are completely different and I am not beginning to say that I understand, I do know that I HATED the baby section after each of my miscarriages. The longing and the ache is magnified....

On a lighter note, the weather here is crazy, too. 53 degrees at 5:30 this morning.... now, in the teens. We lost some shingles in the wind, too.... bummer! :)

I love you, and I miss you, my friend!!! Thanks for continuing to blog.... helps me to continue to feel a little bit connected to my Indiana home!

The Portas said...

My heart is broken for what you must endure right now. Take it one day at a time.. and always know that you have a lot of people who are here to help you in any way we can.

I think of you all the time. You're always in my thoughts.

p.s. The temp was -47 wind chill this morning here in wonderful MN. YUCK!

Karmen said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers ... as I read your heart ache and struggles ... and fun times ... Just remember He is holding you every step of the way!

(I am one of LeeAnne's friends here in New Castle -- who also scrapbooks!) ha!

Lindsey said...

I can only imagin what you are feeling right now. I am glad that you have kept your blog up and going, it has helped knowing how you guys are doing.
I always hate when people say that they know what you are going thru when they havn't been thru the situation but when we lived in South Dakota our next door neighbors lost their four year old,Zachary, to cancer. He passed away the week after thanksgiving, it was a hard time. Anyway, as time went on and everyone went back to the their "normal" routine Scott and Amy's did not (Zachary was their only child).
One evening that summer we had a cook out with Scott and Amy and just laughed about the funny things that Zachary used to do and the camping trip to the hills we had all taken the previous summer. At the end of the evening Amy said how nice it was that someone wanted to talk about Zach becuase people just didn't know how to act around them anymore.
It has been six years since Zachary passed and we have moved on to Texas (we are military) and Scott and Amy recieved humanitary orders so they could be closer to Zach's grave site.So now we just exchange christmas cards. I never knew at the time what an impact such a small child would have on my life but there is rarely a time that I don't think of Zachary. We even named our son after him.
Krista and Andy you may never know how many people you have touched with you sweet Kate but keep talking about her as you are in your blog....and it is ok to feel like thing are not normal because there is a new normal.

The McConkey's said...

I found this article "What It Means To Be The Parent Of A Child With A Heart Defect by Anna Jaworski© 1996" posted on Jillian’s blog. “It means cherishing every moment, every breath with such intensity that you feel tears come to your eyes for no apparent reason.” We know that you absolutely love being home with Seth, and along with that love comes a sea of emotions.

Anonymous said...


My heart aches for what you and your family are going through. Please know we are all here to listen and to cheer you up when need be. I continue to pray for you guys!

Love and Blessings!
Kim Tinker

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You, Andy and Seth are very dear to us and we will be here if you need us.
We are keeping you in our prayers. We will miss Kate. She was so precious.
Bonnie and Jerry

jmckeel said...

Just a beatiful out-pour (?) of emotions. Very emotional. I can't imagine what your family is going through right now. Just know God is on your side, holding you every step of the way. Continue to stay strong. Abby McKeel

Anonymous said...

Oh, once again I am so grateful for your wonderful ability to put your thoughts so succinctly. We all miss her but your loss is so profound and deep. As I write through tears I know Kate had a life full of love and touched more hearts than many of us in a lifetime. My cousin sent me this verse from a song entitled "Generations" by Sara Groves. It began a wonderful discussion on 'legacy'. Hum, Kate's legacy...brings a smile to all who knew her!:)
"Remind me again with every decision:
Generations will reap what I sow.
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I may never know."

Anonymous said...

So many little things bring thoughts of Kate to mind - like last night when we were walking around the block - remembering how she looked up at the leaves on the trees when she was only a few months old. You basically have spent most of the past year and a half caring for our sweet Kate so I can't imagine how many things remind you of her.
I am so proud of how both of you (Krista and Andy) have handled everything. More than anyone should have to handle, but as we sadly learned over the past months, many others are having to handle similiar situations.
All my love.
Mom - Nana

Melanee said...

I walked through the baby aisle at Walgreens last night and thought of Kate - and of you. And then I thought, would any of us wish she had never been born? Certainly not. The only reason we hurt deeply when we experience a loss is that we love deeply. Bless you Krista, Andy and Seth - and all the rest of you who are hurting with the loss of Kate - for loving. I love Andy's comment - not forever, just a long time. But, in God's time, a thousand years is like a day. When we are reunited with all the saints of heaven, the waiting will feel like it was just a breath. Thanks for sharing.