Sunday, January 20, 2008

Normal....Redefined

Today was the 1st day of our new life---redefined without Kate as we have known her. It's strange...very strange. There are parts of me that feel so guilty for "going on"...parts of me that doesn't know what to do with my time...parts of me laughing hysterically with Seth...parts of me that just miss her like crazy. I'm sure it will take awhile before I feel "whole" again.

In an effort to become a housewife again...something I really haven't done well since Kate's birth...but definitely not at all since July...I am eager to clean! I want to take room by room and just organize, pitch and deep clean and reclaim my house. (Andy has done an incredible job of keeping the house running and Seth fed and clean! He's a great dad!) I started today in the kitchen. I did get all the cabinets cleaned out and reorganized...but with that came the bottles, medicine, baby food...all Kate's stuff I know I will find in each and every room of this house. Some of it I can't wait to get rid of as it reminds me of the pain and heartache she (we) endured each day. Some of it though...it's just hard. So as I move from room to room and sort and organize over the next few weeks...I'm sure the garage will just get fuller and fuller of everything I have no idea what to do with. Andy will love that!!

In addition to tackling the kitchen...I spent lots of time with Seth...we had a great time playing his silly little games that make absolutely no sense to me. But he loves them and he just laughs and smile...great medicine for me! Andy did spend some time today at school getting "organized" as well...but will not be going back until Friday. We are looking forward to spending some time as a "family" this week.

Kate's service and memorial were just beautiful...I couldn't have asked for anything more. We feel so loved by the outpouring of support we have received from so many of you. Thank you to everyone who mourned and celebrated Kate with us. I am planning to post some details from our pastor's incredible message (3 things He learned from an 18 month old)...as well as her memory DVD. Any experts out there who can tell me how to get a DVD on UTube and then to the blogsite...let me know!

Well...Andy and I rented a movie and we're going to watch it now....again normalcy redefined.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that you are doing as well as you can. It is hard that life has to go on but some how it just does!

LeeAnne said...

Good to hear everything went the way you liked. It was a beautiful setup. Let me know when you want to get together and scrapbook those beautiful pics. I am not sure I have your email address in my current address book. Here is mine. Email me and give me a date! scraplifter@yahoo.com

Love and hugs to you all!

Kathy said...

I'm glad that Seth is keeping your spirits up. Imagine when he gets older and you tell him what a rock he was for you and your family during this time.
I don't know what you're feeling right now...or even how you're handling it. But, I can tell you that many times we've had to think about it as an option...and I think you're doing everything that you should. I think there are times where you need to laugh and times where you need to cry. I'm so glad that you have lots of family and friends around. Don't work too hard this week cleaning. A few dust bunnies never hurt anybody..I have a farm of bunnies around here!
We love you! Thanks for still keeping us updated.
Tell us what you cleaned tomorrow...we'll cheer you on!

Anonymous said...

Good to see a new post on the blog...you know we're all still checking! I'm sure it will be a long while until things really feel "normal" again, but it's great that you are keeping busy and reclaiming your so-called "housewife" role!

Yesterday's service was well done and meaningful. The slideshow at the end was wonderful, Krista. It was so refreshing to see pictures of Kate during happier and healthier times. Pastor Chuck's message was right on target - Kate (through you) has taught us all so much. She has given us a great perspective on life, and living, and what is truly important. Thank you, Kate!

((HUGS)) Gina

Anonymous said...

I'm hoping that your family week will be a time of enjoying each other with many happy moments to temper the inevitable tears. Thank you for continuing to give us peeks into your lives. It is inspiring to see how God continues to sustain you. Great is His faithfulness.
Love and prayers,
Carol M.

Anonymous said...

Krista, Andy, & Seth
Thinking of you today and happy to see a posting. You sure sound busy. Have a good time with Seth this week and glad that the three of you will be home together. Keep warm. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love and hugs,
Art & Reen

Amy said...

Dear Layman Family,

I just wanted to share with you how much losing Kate broke my heart and I can only imagine what pain you feel. When I came into work that night and she was gone, I was overwhelmed with saddness. But I also said a prayer that she went so fast and in your arms. I wish very much that I could have come to Fort Wayne for the funeral. Please know you were all in my thoughts and prayers and I asked my family to pray for you as well. Our brief time together here taught me so much about family, strength, faith, and life. Both from you and from Kate. Your love for her is and was so pure and is proof of what a strong faith can bring to your life. Thank you for the reminder. It is hard around here sometimes to feel it. I will always think of your family and Kate when I pass throught Ft Wayne on my way to West Lafayette for games! I wish you all the happiness and peace as you find your new normal. Kate will live forever in all the hearts she touched! Thank you again for the lessons you all taught me and retaught me! You certainly all carry out Gods work.

Amy
PCTU RN U of M

Anonymous said...

You and your family continue to be surrounded by love and prayers.:)
Donna

Melissa said...

I'm glad to hear from you and that the service and memorial was everything you could have hoped for. Would love to see the DVD and hear about your pastor's message. I learned so many things from your 18 month old! Especially how to be a strong little stinker!

Hope tackling your house and reclaiming it will allow you time to reflect and remember, but prepare you to move on. Always remember her, she is such a special part of your lives.

The Portas said...

It's great to hear that the service was beautiful and that your little man is filling your home with laughter during this time.

Enjoy your family time this week! I'll keep checking in to see how you guys are doing... Thanks for writing an update!

nana said...

Hi, Krista.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be in Fort Wayne with you, but I hope you know that waves of positive energy, love, and prayers washed over you, sent from this little corner of Southeastern Pennsylvania

As always, you are a wonderful blogger. Your posts are incredibly open and honest. I know you are filled with indescribable pain right now, but I do promise you that it won't always hurt this badly.

You have great resilience, determination, and faith. Feel your feelings and try to take a little "me" time, too.

Love and Great Big Hugs, Susan

Anonymous said...

What a better way to start the day then to read your blog Krista.
You and your family have been such a part of ours the last year. We feel so close to you and to Andy and Seth. Makes us feel good to know you have made this transition now and even thou there will be moments of pure sadness you must know you all have been the ROCK that God intended. If there are jewels in crowns I amsure you and Andy have several of them. One to match all the outfits. WE are thinking and praying for you still.
John and Linda S.

Samantha said...

I am so glad that Kate's service went beautifully for you all. I am also so happy to hear that Seth is helping you heal. I can only imagine how difficult this is on you and how the mixed emotions of this all is impacting you and your family. I am so thankful that you are able to laugh and play with Seth and find some "normalcy" again. I think of you guys often and I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to also learn more on how strong a child can be. Your Kate was such an inspiration, as are you...you are an incredible woman and mother.

Go easy on the cleaning...you may just end up with a hurt back!

Heart Hugs,
Samantha

Anonymous said...

Dear Krista,
As a geneologist, I know that many years from now, people will wonder about little Kate (my mother had two infant sisters that I know very little about). This blog is an amazing archive of her journey through life. I thought I might suggest that, as you think of little things..a favorite toy, a color she favored, a favorite song, etc., you might jot them down on a calender or piece of paper. Then when you get ready to scrapbook, you could incorporate those little personality things into the book. Often years later, we only have names and dates and maybe a picture. You've already much more than that preserved..but each little detail is another little piece of the puzzle and tells a little bit more about how special Kate was...hope this helps.

We prayed for you at Covenant as we have so many times before. You are so much a part of our family.

Love, Jane Grabill

Anonymous said...

Krista, Andy and Seth - now that Kate's short life on this planet is over I want to say publically to all of you how proud I have been from day one of your steadfast love, devotion and witness you have demonstrated through this highly emotional ride. Krista your blog entries have been unparalleled in their positive impact on so many people. Wow! I am so impressed and so proud to be your father. Andy, I cannot imagine the emotions that have been running through your mind. You have been a solid rock for all us to lean on and I could not have asked for a more wonderful husband and father for my daughter, Seth and Kate. Andy, you have my highest respect. Seth you have been a constant ray of sunshine and happiness through this sad jouney, a wonderful counter to the many down days we have all experienced. My love for all of you you and Kate is so intense and everlasting. Dad (oompa)

Pat Rowland said...

Krista,

Mandy and I received news this past weekend from Amy S. about the loss of your daughter. I am deeply sorry. It broke my heart to read your blog and I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Our prayers are with you, Andy, and Seth.

jmckeel said...

Glad to hear that you have a way to pass the time. When you are done, come on down to NC to clean my house! Seth is welcome! I have 2, two year olds at the present. Which next month the oldest will be 3. I can agree that there is something of them in every room of the house!!! I will keep checking back on the blog; I become connected to Kate when I viewed it back in Dec. It was then that I went back to the beginning of the blog to learn more about her. Little did I know. I went through the comments and thank you Jane. You gave all of us scrapbookers some insight of things to do. I will be thinking about you and please take care. Abby McKeel

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know that prayers will continue for you, Andy, Seth, and grandparents. The service was beautiful Sat. Just can't imagine how people get through something like this without knowing there is something very beautiful on the other side.

Nancy

Anonymous said...

Krista,

I thought of you so often this weekend (and shed a few more tears for Kate). Amy Sipe told me she got to meet you and be at Kate's service. I was with you in my heart and wish I too could have been there to celebrate Kate.

I am glad to hear that you are enjoying your time with Seth and starting to reclaim a sense of routine. I love to do deep cleaning, and now realize my house could use some too (but with a 2.5 year old and a newborn, I don't have much time). So, I am a bit jealous :-)

You continue to be in my prayers and I will continue to check in with you on the blog. May your days be filled with peace and comfort!

Love and Blessings!
Kim Tinker

Jane said...

Krista, Andy, Seth,

Ramona's mom here. I just heard this sad news. I'm so sorry. Thank you for supporting my journey with your blog and inspiring our family with your positive attitude and strong faith. You've helped me navigate my own wilderness of worry many times. If there's any way I can be of support to you, please don't hesitate to contact me.

God bless you all and little Kate,

Jane.

Anonymous said...

Krista and Andy,
The service was beautiful and very moving - a wonderful testimony of how Kate has touched all of us - including people you don't even know. I'm so glad to hear that you'll be putting the slideshow up on your blog. I can't stop singing that song: I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I've been thinking about you constantly and wondering - how does life go back to normal? I know your faith in the Lord will guide you every step, moment by moment. Just know that we are still here. We are still praying for you on this journey.
Love from the Cookseys

Mel said...

I loved the celebration we had of Kate's short yet meaningful life this weekend. In the midst of such sadness, God has given so many blessings. As you find your new and different "normal", I hope you share with us those smiles and tears. I pray that God Himself be your strength, comfort and your joy.