Monday, December 8, 2008

Reflections

This post has been a long time coming...
I guess it started way back before Thanksgiving when we were in Portland and there were Christmas trees decorated in the Courthouse. One of the trees remembered all those who had died the past year...and on it we found:
Kate and Pampa

It was a beautiful tribute...but yet...again something you just don't ever imagine seeing.

It's been weird decorating for Christmas...we tend to think back a ton to last year. We were so anxiously awaiting her surgery that we were convinced was going to fix her, get her out of heart failure and bring her home. We were back and forth countless times from Michigan...w/ Seth, w/out Seth...me home...Andy here...me there. Thinking back...I wonder how we ever did it.

But the decorations came out...and with them:

Her stocking: what to do with it? I splurged and bought Pottery Barn stockings last year that I absolutely love. Seth made the decision for us...he was insistent on hanging it up. (I think he thinks he'll get any candy/toys that appear in it. ) I'm not sure what we'll do come Christmas morning...we'll have to think of something clever and meaningful.

And...her tree: Both Seth and Kate had little trees that were in their rooms...decorated w/ the ornaments they get each year from grandparents and us. I put her tree downstairs in the family room...and am only decorating it w/ angel ornaments. My mom has given me several, we got one from the hospital... and each year...I'll just keep adding more little angels. It's been a good healing process for me. It's her little angel tree.

I also made her a little pink wreath for her tombstone. It just feels good for me to keep making things for her...I guess that's why Kate's Kart has been so therapeutic for me.

So...there's been some sadness the past few weeks. This coming weekend marks a year since Pampa died...and a year of knowing the surgery wasn't a success and she probably wasn't going to make it. I really can't believe it's been a year. For me...in some ways it scares me how fast the year went..cause I know w/ time the memories will fade. As much as they hurt...I really don't want those memories to be gone....I don't want them to fade.

14 comments:

Tina:0) said...

Oh, Krista... I'm sending you a big hug right now! I cannot imagine the emotional roller coaster you're on?!!

I'm glad that you still are able to look on all the wonderful times you all had. Even though she's not here in the physical sense, she'll always be with you! Know that we're all here to support you through!

(((Big Hugs)))

Melissa said...

Krista, my mom always says (still 27 years after my sister died) that the bad memories fade but the good ones are always there just as strong. I'm sure you will find this too. Kate is smiling down at us all this year, running and playing with her pampaw. I'm sure this will be another very difficult first without her, but together, with God's help, you will all make it through.

mina said...

What bittersweet memories! I'll be praying for you and your family.

The Portas said...

Just catching up on you guys...

I'm so sorry for the sadness, and I am keeping you close in my prayers. xoxoxo

Amber said...

Krista...thanks for the morning cry! :0) You know that you are completely amazing to me...my heart breaks for the ones you have lost and leaps for the new one inside of you! :0) I'm sure you feel that same mix of emotions. Peace and love to your beautiful family....

Kelly said...

Krista,
This post was so touching to read this morning. I feel myself getting caught up in the day-to-day things with Marissa and feeling frusterated with her drama and her not listening to me. When I read this post, I just had tears in my eyes because I was having a hard time with Marissa at that moment. I just want you to know that when I feel like I'm going to explode because of how difficult she can be, I think of you and how much you would love to have Kate, even if she could be driving you crazy. I just go up to Marissa, kiss and hug her and thank God that she is healthy. I am sure that this is a hard time for your family, but just know that your story inspires me to be thankful and appreciate Marissa even more. I hope your family has a wonderful Christmas. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Our Family said...

Oh, your post is so sweet, and I love the way you've decided to remember Kate. But, if you change your mind, you have that right, too. Maybe Seth would like to make a picture or a card to put in her stocking???

~Baby*Girl~ said...

I know I don't know you, but I do know ur husband(I was in his s.s. class when i was in 7th grade) I actually talked to him on the phone the day of Kates death. And I send you all my love and prayers. I think it is wonderful that you are still putting up her Christmas things!
Hang in there!

Kathy said...

Krista,
I love that you put up Kate's tree...I love that you are SO busy with Kate's Kart...and I love that Seth WANTS her stocking hung. I think it's so special and sweet.
and the angel ornaments...just perfect!

Here's a BIG FAT HUG for you!!!
I hope you're feeling better and back to your BUSY self!
love,
kathy

Anonymous said...

Krista,
We are praying for all of you and know that this is a really hard time of year. The anniversaries are very hard and we are praying that the Lord will give you many happy memories to help you get thru the days of the anniversaries and the weeks of them. I am sending a hug to you and Andy and Seth and Andy's mom. Someday you will be able to see both Kate and Andy's dad again. PTL
We love you guys
Sheri for us four

Julie said...

Krista,
What you are going through is so normal. If I learned one thing losing Brendon is that you do what feels right for you. I am sure I even had family members think that we did weird things but they never walked in our shoes. Today actually would have been Brendon's 10th birthday and this day is very bittersweet, especially with the holidays! But God has been so good and faithful to us so I am just spending the day remembering and playing with my two kids here on earth! Just hang in there and do not be to hard on yourself. We still need to meet sometime! Julie Wuthrich

Samantha said...

Krista...I am crying again for you. I am so sorry that these times are so hard for you and the family. I wish I could do something to help you with this, but I know that there is not. Kate has touched so many, and she continues to with Kate's Kart. I am sure that you will find a great thing to do for her stocking on Christmas morning. I love what you are doing with her tree...that is just a beautiful idea.

Much love,
Samantha

Anonymous said...

Krista and Andy and Seth,
Love and hugs!
Art & Reen

Melanee said...

Thank you, thank you for sharing. I've been praying for you this week - for sweet memories to stay alive - both of Kate & Larry.

Please post a picture of Kate's angel tree :)