Thursday, December 2, 2010

Today...now and then

Note...feeling sentimental...sappy thought post....

Three years ago today I was driving down highway 69. I actually was coming home from Michigan. My mom had come up to spend a few days with Kate in the hospital and I was actually coming home to spend a few days with Andy and Seth. Driving north on 69 always brings back some of those memories...memories of that drive to Michigan...over and over again for those 2 months.

Today...I was driving up 69 again by myself...heading to Angola to check on the Kart at Cameron. I was feeling sentimental...and then a song came on the radio and I lost it...I was actually sobbing while on the road.

It was Angels Among Us by Alabama

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hour
To Show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of live

Now I know that Kate isn't an angel in biblical terms and I don't mean to get into a big theological debate about angels...but, I find comfort in calling Kate my little angel...I will always have my special angel ornament Christmas tree in her memory. And...I believe that today my little angel was with me...teaching me how to give and live. And I believe that we were surrounded by living angels in our darkest hour...guiding us through that time and 3 years later, I am forever grateful.

Two days ago I drove to Indy...with my mom...to speak at a state-wide staff meeting for Indiana Organ Procurement Organization. I spoke in front of about 80 professionals about Kate and Kate's Kart. I've done it many times...to schools, to girl scout troops, to ladies groups...I talk about Kate a lot. But for some reason....talking with my mom at lunch afterward, I cried. I haven't cried for a while.

So...now in a two day period...I found myself crying twice. I know it's okay...I know it's normal. It's a hard time of year...there are lots of memories...lots of lost hopes. I guess in some weird way I equated crying with dealing with my grief...and if I wasn't crying...I must be healing. So I begin to wonder what this resurgence of crying means? I had 5.5 hours today to think about it...driving all over northern Indiana. And...I guess it means I will always miss my little girl...I was always grieve...there will always be songs or conversations or roads or memories or something that brings those tears out....and it's okay...and for me, necessary.

All I know...I am just so thankful for the decision we made to do something significant in honor of Kate. And though we never expected it to grow like it has...it's good. It's real good. I still feel (in some strange way) that I have my Kate. I visited 3 hospitals today...checking on the Karts...restocking...chatting with the staff that oversee the Kart at these 3 out-of-town hospitals. Everyone is blessed...everyone loves it. She's my baby...and she has taught us ...how to live...how to give and continues to guide us.

I miss you little girl...I wish I was spending the day shopping for a new dollhouse for you for Christmas...but for today...I'll gladly haul boxes and boxes of books all around Northern Indiana...bringing smiles to thousands of little kids...all because of you.

7 comments:

Kristen said...

you've lived through an unimaginable loss.... I'm pretty sure you're allowed to cry every now and then! I think it's such a wonderful thing that you're doing with Kate's Kart.... you truly are an inspiration!

Deanna said...

Oh friend, just want you to know I love you.....

Anonymous said...

Sending you lots & lots of hugs!!

{{{{{KK}}}}}

xo,
Mira

Melissa said...

(((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

No matter what wonderful things happen in your life, you will always grieve, you will always miss them and this time of year makes it a little worse.
I am very happy now but still grieve...still cry!
It's just part of life and loss.
CLH

Kelly said...

Your post hit totally home to me. It actually gave me chills.

I drove to work on Brooklyn's Angel Day and The Band Perry came on with "Short Life." I bawled like a baby. Even with my two beautiful daughters in the backseat, I bawled. I miss my angel.

They will never be forgotten!

((Hugs))

The Saunders Family said...

grieving is our way of showing how much they meant to us, what an impact they made on our lives, so grieving is good.
hugs